


The Distance That I Fell

by hallelujah99



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-13 13:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18942049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallelujah99/pseuds/hallelujah99
Summary: It's been two weeks since costume day. TJ doesn't know why he did what he did, all he knows is he lost the best thing that has ever happened to him.





	1. Chapter 1

TJ wasn't sure how he got here, sitting alone at a lunch table with Kira.

It started a while ago, he supposed. He thought back to when he used to have to choose between hanging out with his basketball team and his friends from elementary school, Reed and Lester. He always tried to balance the two lives he was living, and it worked out well enough.

His lives as the basketball captain and a member of his other friend group weren't in conflict, after all. Then he was suspended from the basketball team, and he was too ashamed to sit with them at lunch anymore. They didn't seem to mind his absence, and when he got back on the team, he had lingering shame over being suspended that prevented him from trying to reconnect with any of them. 

Then there was Reed and Lester. He cut those cords firmly after the gun incident. It was difficult, but at the time, he had Cyrus to fall back on, and that felt like the safest thing in the world. Here was this guy who was funny, quirky, easy to talk to, caring, smart, principled...TJ had been blown away by how easily they connected, and assumed that he had found a lifelong friend. He always wanted to be around Cyrus, and if he wasn't around, TJ would be texting him, FaceTiming him or thinking about him. Imaging conversations, road trips, adventures together. He'd never thought of it as romantic, he'd never called it a crush in his head. 

Some girls walked by, looked at TJ and Kira sitting together, then looked at each other. The implication was obvious-they thought Kira and TJ were a thing. And that's exactly what Kira wanted people to think. And now, TJ had these two lives, the one where he and Kira supposedly had a "thing" and the life he lived inside his head. These two lives were in stark contrast. Because even though TJ hadn't spoken to Cyrus since costume day two weeks ago, he'd been thinking about him non-stop, possibly even more than before. 

He wanted to approach Cyrus, deliver a proper apology, to explain why he had done what he'd done. But how could he explain that when he didn't really even understand his own actions? He didn't really understand why Kira's words had dug into him.

He didn't understand why he had gone home and asked the internet if it was weird to do a costume with a guy friend, as a guy.

He didn't understand why he threw his phone when some internet troll had commented on his post that it was "gay af".

He didn't understand why he'd picked his phone up and messaged Kira that he'd do the costume with her.

And he most certainly didn't understand why he spent part of first period of costume day in the bathroom, crying. 

He'd cried that evening too, but had gotten it together since then. He spent most nights now thinking about Cyrus, wondering what he was doing. He still imagined things, impossible scenarios: them moving to New York and opening a restaurant together and becoming celebrity chefs (TJ didn't even cook), or traveling to New Zealand to see the southern lights. He imagined awful things too: what if Cyrus got in a car accident? What would TJ do, would he visit him in the hospital?

 

TJ watched across the cafeteria as Cyrus told his friends a story, his facial expressions and hand gestures highly animated. He looked happy as ever, TJ thought, and why shouldn't he? He'd only lost one friend out of several, and he probably didn't care for TJ nearly as much as TJ had cared for him. Cyrus had easily gone from his "salt" costume to being part of Mount Rushmore, and ignored TJ's texts that afternoon. The way he figured it, Cyrus had given him a second and a third chance and he'd blown it, so Cyrus decided it was best to totally move on, and TJ was left in the dirt. He didn't really want to be friends with Kira but it was his only option at this point. And if it made them look like a couple, there was nothing he could do about it. 

Buffy and Andi got up from their table and started heading in his general direction. TJ knew, logically, that they were just on their way to the girls' bathroom, but he still hoped they'd stop by. It would almost be like talking to Cyrus. He also, of course, did not want them to stop by because what the hell would he even say? They didn't stop, and in fact took the long way around to avoid walking by his table, and Andi looked away from his table, but Buffy looked at him, as she had been doing. He had initially read the expressions she'd been showing him as anger, which is what he expected from her, but he realized it looked more like she pitied him. Why wouldn't she? She watched him go and screw up the best thing he'd ever known, and this time, he wasn't getting it back. 

 

* * *

 

Later in the day, after TJ finished his tutoring session, he passed by the gym to find that it was, thankfully, empty. He grabbed a basketball and began shooting hoops, one of the best ways he knew to calm down and clear his mind. Math always agitated him, but everything was so magnified these past few weeks, he was unhappy enough even without math. Not long after he finally got his mind clear, he heard the door open, and in walked Buffy Driscoll. Shit. There goes any hope of forgetting everything. 

"Sorry, I thought everyone was done in here." TJ said. It wasn't usually like him to say sorry but guilt was one of his default emotions recently. 

"No, we are, I just think I dropped something in here" Buffy responded, acting surprisingly normal, given the circumstances. 

"Oh, I'm sorry." TJ replied reflexively.

 

Buffy rolled her eyes as she grabbed her pencil case that had been hidden in the bleachers. "It's okay, I found it. Besides, I'm not the person you should be apologizing to." Well, there it was. She had decided they were going to talk about it.

 

"I tried to talk to him but he didn't answer any of my calls."

"The day of? No shit. You should have tried a few days later."

TJ had wanted to, but the more time that passed, the worse he felt, and the less he felt like he had a sensical explanation.

"I don't even know what to say. I don't even know why I do half the shit I do." TJ admitted. He wasn't sure why he admitted that. Maybe it was because Buffy was almost an extension of Cyrus. 

"Well..." Buffy was eyeing him, the look of pity still in her eyes, and TJ was really sure he had no idea what that was about. "When you're ready to talk about why you did what you did, you should really tell him. Or me, or someone." With that, Buffy began to leave the gym. For some reason, maybe in an effort to get her to stay, TJ joked "Probably not Kira, though."

Buffy stopped and looked at him, seemingly a little shocked at what TJ had just said. He realized he really shouldn't have mentioned Kira. 

"Kira knows why you did what you did. That's how she got you to do it." She said it like it was the most plainly obvious fact in the world. 

Maybe it was, after all, TJ had been told he could be oblivious. But he still wasn't quite sure what Buffy was talking about. 

 

Then again, he had a guess. 


	2. Chapter 2

TJ was at home, resting on his bed, Buffy's words echoing through his head, telling him he should apologize to Cyrus, and that Kira knows exactly what she did. She knew exactly what she did, which was make TJ feel weird about doing a costume with Cyrus, and subsequently made him feel weird about his friendship with Cyrus overall. But was there really anything to feel weird about?

 

He pulled out his phone and went to an anonymous advice-seeking forum. He typed:

 

**"I'm 14 M and in the past year I became friends with another guy my age, we'll call him C. We've always gotten along really well, in a way I don't usually get along with people, and I could talk to him in a way I couldn't talk to anyone else. Tbh he kinda became my only (close) friend but it didn't bother me. I really liked hanging out with him, and we talked pretty much 24/7. He's probably the best person I've ever met.**

**I messed up though. This girl invited me to do a costume with her for costume day at my school and I told her no because I was already doing one with C, then she made me feel weird about that so I decided to do it with her after all. I shoulda told C in advance but I didn't, and now we don't talk anymore. I hoped I would get over it but it's been two weeks and I feel like so terrible, like I feel worse every day. What should I do?"**

 

TJ read over what he had typed before deleting the whole thing. He was afraid of what people would say, that once again, someone would call him gay. He couldn't deny to himself that it all sounded pretty gay, and he hadn't even mentioned the half of it. But it wasn't that way, it was just that he had found a very special and close friendship, a closer friendship than most anyone else had ever felt. Right? It felt like the more he tried to convince himself of the "closer-than-close friendship" theory, the more it felt fake.

He remembered laying awake in bed, the day before he asked Cyrus to do the costume with him, thinking about how pleased he was with his costume idea, when his mind started to wander. He had thought about what it would be like to have Cyrus in his bed with him, hold him close, kiss him...

He had told himself that all those thoughts were just part of this special friendship he felt. He just had so much platonic love for Cyrus, that it overflowed in a way that he couldn't control, that he just had to make the expression of that love physical. But now, two and a half weeks later, as he stared at his bedroom wall, he had to admit to himself that no one in their right mind would buy that explanation. 

He was broken out of his thoughts by the sound of a text. He didn't allow himself to get his hopes up, which was a good thing, because it was from Kira. 

**Kira: wanna come to a party saturday? itll mostly be kids from my old school**

TJ resisted the urge to throw his phone. Half the time he ignored Kira but he just couldn't deal with the bullshit right now.

**TJ: i dont really wanna go to a party where i dont have any friends there**

**Kira: aren't we friends? come on, its just a little party**

TJ didn't respond at first. It seemed like she was always just expecting TJ to do what she wanted for no other reason than her wanting it. After about an hour, he finally texted back. 

**TJ: i dont really feel like were friends.**

After a minute TJ realized how that could be gravely misinterpreted so he quickly followed it up with another text.

**TJ: that wasn't flirty. i don't like you like that. we're just** **acquaintances.**

**Kira: well no duh you don't like me like that. you must think im stupid lol. i know you don't like me like that and i don't like you like that. but people already think we do, and tbh im doing you a favor**

TJ thought about not responding but he had to ask.

**TJ: what the hell is that supposed to mean?**

**Kira: which part?**

**TJ: how are you doing me a favor?**

**Kira: well i assumed you didn't want people realizing...**

TJ could feel his heart beating out his chest, his palms were sweaty and his face was flushed. He typed each letter of his response slowly.

**TJ:** **realizing what?**

He kept the thread of messages open, staring as the gray bubbles popped up, disappeared then reappeared. He was aware of his own breath, his heartbeat, and every pixel on his phone screen. Finally, the response came

**Kira: that you like Cyrus.**

There it was. There. It. Was. TJ threw his phone at the wall, hard. 

 

Kira thinks he's gay. Who else thinks he's gay? Does Buffy? She seemed to think she knew what the deal was. Does that mean that Cyrus...does Cyrus think he's gay?

TJ grabbed his phone from the floor, and sure enough, there was a crack across the screen. His dad was gonna kill him. His dad, oh god forbid his dad ever found out about what it was that made him throw his phone.

Before he could stop himself, he typed a name into his contacts and pressed "Call." He wasn't expecting an answer on the second ring.

"TJ?" Buffy sounded confused. TJ almost hung up but he blurted it out, forcefully, trying not to sound like he was crying "Do you think I'm gay?"

There was a  pause at the other end, then Buffy said "One second."

He heard the sound of footsteps then a door closing. Shit, who had she been around when he called? He really wasn't thinking at all today.

"Sorry, okay, I'm alone now." Buffy said. TJ didn't reply, not able to repeat his question.

"Are you there?" Buffy asked. 

"Yeah"

"Why did you call me?" TJ started panicking-had she not heard him before? Should he take the opportunity to pretend like he hadn't said what he said? He deliberated for too long and Buffy finally spoke.

"Can you please tell me why you asked me if I think you're gay?"

"Can you just answer first?"

TJ had almost forgotten that he and Buffy usually fight by default.

"It doesn't really matter if I think you are, it just matters what you think." TJ had no idea what he thought, though. He pretty much always felt like everyone around him knew something he didn't, and this time, it was his own sexual orientation. 

"I don't know what I think." TJ replied, not because that's what he really wanted to say, but because he had to reply with SOMETHING, and that's all he could come up with. As soon as he said it, he realized, for maybe the first time, something that should have been obvious, and Buffy wasn't afraid to point it out.

"If you don't know what you think then you  _probably_ aren't 100% straight." It was blunt, and it was true, and TJ knew it. He wasn't sure he could internalize it though. Then he had to open his dumbass mouth once again. "What if I'm straight but I just like this one guy?"

Was that an admission? He had spoken in the hypothetical, but he knew Buffy wasn't stupid. She wasn't about to play stupid either.

"If you do like this one guy, maybe you should apologize to him. And maybe you should tell him why you did what you did. And you should probably also know that his best friend loves him more than anything and she really hopes you figure your shit out soon so you can stop hurting him." 

Buffy's words cut into TJ and he was positive she could tell he was crying when he he asked "What if he's freaked out that I like him like that?"

"Honestly I don't know how he feels about you anymore. But I guarantee he won't be freaked out." Before TJ could ask what made Buffy so sure, he heard her mom calling her name in the background of the call. 

"Look I gotta go. You can text me though."

"Okay." TJ replied. He wanted to thank her for talking to him, but he chose to limit his words said so as to limit how much she could hear him crying. 

Buffy hung up and TJ wiped the tears off his phone screen. He wasn't going to text her, he had no idea what he'd even say. He laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling, his heart racing and his mind blank. He heard another text come in.

**Buffy: Sorry I had to go so quick, my mom called me down for dinner. Anyway, I just wanna say that even though you've done some pretty messed up stuff, when it comes to this, there's nothing wrong with you.**

TJ stared at the text, not sure if he believed Buffy. He wasn't personally homophobic at all, he supported gay marriage and everything, but he still felt so wrong. Or abnormal, at the very best. He wondered how long he'd feel this way. 

**Buffy: Everything is going to be okay**

TJ rolled into a ball on his bed and repeated those words to himself. "Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I write this angsty stuff?????
> 
> Anyway I'd love some comments, thank you so much Anakin133 and Optrickr for always being awesome and commenting, I hope to hear from even more of you as well!

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this is so short, I just wanted to get something posted before bed tonight. 
> 
> Also sorry this is so depressing, I really wanted to write a fic loosely based on a song and then this happened? It's "the distance that i fell" by the front bottoms but the connection is loose. 
> 
> Anyway, I'd love some comments! They honestly mean so much to me.
> 
> (PS I WILL finish a weekend in Summer. I just needed to torture the poor boys a bit after reading the episode descriptions, get myself prepared for whatever canon is going to throw at us!)


End file.
